Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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