It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
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