How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
