Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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