Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
