i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
