Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
