well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
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Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
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You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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