why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
