I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
