highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
