i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
