dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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