Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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