I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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