Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
