dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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