I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
The uberlube is also flammable
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
