apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Randomize
