I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
