This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
