Heybabeimwearingurpanties
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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