I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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