I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
