Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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