as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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