I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
This house was built for laser tag.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
