Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
