The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
