She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
