I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
