Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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