last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
