Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
