I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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