how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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