whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
