gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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