Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
