You smell like a Billy Joel song
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
