the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
