My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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