Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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