worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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