He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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