He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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