I looked at my own cervix.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
