Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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