Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
