today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
