I think im going to throw up on grandma
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
