so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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