I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
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swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
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I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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