Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
