Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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