I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
