After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
